are you there god? it's me, your elevator.

[soundczechfic]

When I got into my lift this afternoon it was speaking to me. I'd already started staring into the mirror inside, like I always do, trying to fix my hair and make my ugly jeans more presentable, so hearing someone speak to me kind of scared the shit out of me.

Disembodied voice: Hello?
Me: ! ....
DV: Hello?
Me: ... Hello...

I didn't even know my lift had this kind of capability. It's the oldest lift ever and doesn't work about 40% of the time. The building is only five stories including the basement, so it's not as if it has a heavy work load.

DV: Is anyone there?
Me: Why is my lift speaking to me...
DV: Hello? Hello? Hello?
Me: HELLO?
DV: OH! Is this WestCorp management...?
Me: No...
DV: I'm from Telstra, I'm calling to review this account.
Me: I... I just live in this building, I got into my lift...
DV: Pardon?
Me: I'm a resident in this building. I got in my lift and it started speaking to me.
DV: I called a lift?
Me: Yes...
DV: ...
Me: Maybe you could call back later...

Apparently WestCorp is my body corporate. I am completely unaware of these things. At first when she said WestCorp management I thought she said LexCorp and wondered if Sam had somehow set up a seriously elaborate prank.

I met up with giantessmess today and dragged her around on various errands as usual. At one point this woman came up to me and put her hand on my arm and I shrieked aloud in surprise and terror and it turned out to be an old high school friend's mother. Why is my life so incredibly humiliating. She asked me questions about what I was doing and I had to admit the humiliating truth that I am doing absolutely nothing. Then she asked me questions about high school friends and I was like, "um..." because I barely ever speak to anyone and had only the most basic facts about their lives. I am a horrible friend. Her daughter is overseas right now but I'd barely spoken to her for a year before she left anyway. Lately I've been dreaming about old friends a lot though. I had this dream that my family had a holiday apartment on an island and I went there with these two friends I had when I was twelve, and couldn't find my keys. It wasn't a very exciting dream, but when I woke up I felt really weird about it.

We went to this shop in Chinatown where they sell a lot of, idk, standard Asian shit and stationary covered in anime characters and dvds and vcds. There were all these photocards, giantessmess seemed really intrigued by them.

GM: Who are they, anyway?
Me: Like I'd know... oh wait, that's F4. They were in this Taiwanese drama, Meteor Garden, based on a manga I've read, Hana Yori Dango.
GM: ...
Me: :(

Then one of the songs from One Litre of Tears started playing and I nearly shrieked aloud. This is the same store Sam and I dragged her high school BFF through that time I met her. I've had a lot of really embarrassing moments in that store.

The other day I had to use my old notebook for something. In the front is some seriously horrid poetry. I opened the notebook and just stared at it. I would like to pretend this shit is from when I was like fourteen, but I was 18. This is the notebook I took to Greece when I went there after finishing high school. I thought I was so deep.

Walls stretch high above me
endless
in their stone confidence.
Their unshakable trust
in their own timeless beauty
frightens me, the
short and transient girl.
Here for but a moment -
A gunshot, a violent flash
of high beam headlights -
before snapping away
to nothing.
I am there, I am
here, but I
am never still.
Kinetic, frenetic, I
am but a moment's breath.
I am a butterfly flapping its wings.
I am the beating heart of a hummingbird.
Next to the ageless stretch of this cave,
I am nothing but a memory.
-14/12/02

My hands are tied
Into your fantasy
Of the way life should be.

Words are words.
A picture says exactly what it should.
To you,

Life is always
Exactly as it seems.
Open

Your foolish, hopeful eyes
And see,
Life is what it's meant to be.

Behind every word is a motive
And a story of a journey
And every picture is a moment

Fraudulent in passing time
Showing something
That was never really there at all.

Or there for that single,
Fleeting, fluttering,
Futile instant,

And then gone,
Swept away to the thick
And heavy quicksand

Of passing months and
Days and minutes.
Years.

Time passes and changes everything.
Today my words are honest,
But tomorrow shall make me a liar.

I just want to go back in time and tell myself to lighten the fuck up. Or, if I was going to be angsty, to at least try and make sense. Those are possibly the least embarrassing examples in the book, if that tells you something. It's weird not to be a teenager anymore because for so long after I turned 20 I still felt like I was, but now it feels as though years have passed and I am old already, wrinkles spreading out beside my eyes and arthritis knotting my knuckles together. I mean that's total bullshit, I'm only 22, but you know. It's weird to look at teenagers and think about how young they are.

Comments

[samenashi.livejournal.com]

I thought she said LexCorp and wondered if Sam had somehow set up a seriously elaborate prank.

I WISH. :( It's been too long since I played a horrible joke on you.

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

A month ago you convinced me that MK made up Marie.

[friendly.livejournal.com]

A gunshit, a violent flash

THE TYPO MAKES IT FUNNIER STILL oh it hurts

and i know what you mean about the age thing. i'm 23 and i feel so freaking old; hard to believe how little the high school kids are these days. we were that little only six years ago. wwwwwwwwwwhat.

[samenashi.livejournal.com]

I KNOW I LAUGHED AT GUNSHIT TOO

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

GODDAMNIT

THEY LOOK SO SMALL NOW. Don't thirteen year olds just look unbearably tiny and fragile to you? I don't remember feeling like a little kid at thirteen but they look SO YOUNG OH MY GOD.

It will turn out I have some thirteen year old on my flist who is going to be mortally offended.

[unrequitedangst.livejournal.com]

Your poetry. I'm laughing so hard. Ask Sam to show you some of the stuff I wrote Back in the Day, she managed to track it down and now she has been mocking me about it constantly. She laughs at my preteen angst. T_T

I know what you mean about age, though, it really weirds me out. Sometimes I tutor high schoolers and they always ask me questions about how to get into a Good Uni (TM) in this hushed, awed voice of total respect because they're in high school and I'm this strange creature to them because I go to college. I'm only two or three years older than most of them. It's really depressing, because the only thing I want to do is just tell them to slow down and the fact that I even want to say that makes me feel like I should be creaking around and angrily waving a cane.

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

What do you think about my structure now, huh?

It's even weirder this year than last year because now I'm a university graduate and I feel like that should mean a lot more to me than it does. I used to feel this vague sense of resentment on the first day of every year though, all the first years rocking up for the first time, all scared and excited. I don't remember my first day of uni.

I spent like half an hour today talking about stupid young adult novels with my friend, it made me think of you and Sam. I tried to convince her to write this Queer Young Adult novel where nobody realises the love interest is another girl for like the first three volumes, but she vetoed the idea. I think I'm a visionary, okay.

[giantessmess.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, the craziest things happen to you. The lift call is hilarious! I want a lift to call me.

I'm lurking on a european Blythe board right now. I don't know why it's so fascinating. If I tried to explain it it would be a bit like you explaining F4 ;p - Pages and pages of people discussing how they got into dolly collecting/who their favourite doll is/blah blah blah.

I wish I had lots of money so I could buy a giant whateverthehellitscalled bread cartoon toy. Dad was impressed by the mushrooms, but said something dorky like 'should have told me earlier, you could have put it in
to my miso soup!' when I told him about the evil shiitake mushroom.

I hate bumping into people like that. so much. I just remembered a recent occurance. mum bumped into a friend's mother, and she was asking lots of arsehollic questions about me - about jobs. and boyfriends. Lack of subtlety. Sometimes wanker-ish people like trying to give mum shit/pity about having a dykey daughter, and expect her to be traumatised by it. Mum's responses are like whatserface on queer as folk. (debbie? Michael's mum)
God I wish I didn't live so close to my old school.

You'll never see any of my old poetry. or new poetry. never writing it again. stupid subject.

Long comment time.

Fanfic. Be afraid.
(god. my fanfic is so lame looking back. ugh. If you laugh, I'll kill you)

baby snark - http://community.livejournal.com/femslash100/134164.html#cutid1

Creepy possession/slight smut Olivia/Mariska. you were warned. - http://community.livejournal.com/ob_fangrrl/197094.html

Oliska snark - http://community.livejournal.com/ob_fangrrl/215411.html

There's more. and one is brilliant. But too smutty, and I'm shy, and it's Julie's fault (I wrote it to get her to notice me. I'm sad).

Alex/Olivia badfic - http://community.livejournal.com/ob_fangrrl/218708.html

The rest requires too much explaination of the fandom context, and you'll be aall WTF???
I'll share this one anyway - http://community.livejournal.com/lawandorderfic/95611.html
There's one where Alex comes back from Witness Protection angst hell to find Olivia died while she was gone. Then Olivia's ghost possesses Casey so she can sleep with Alex. Alex freaks out because it's sexual assault on Casey. And it gets more angsty and fucked up and badly-edited. I became slightly nototious because of it. *nerd pride*
God you're a bad influence on me, I haven't thought of fanfic in ages.

oh, and Casey is the crap new lawyer character they brought in to replace Alex. She is the object of much hatred by some fans (what? not me).

[samenashi.livejournal.com]

BREAD, DO YOU MEAN KOGEPAN? I LOVE HIM.

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

They seem to always happen right before I meet you, too. Coincidence?

Write pic fic.

She grew Olivia out, strand by re-touched strand.

Monster Mariska actively scares me. I think I've caught your Mariska rage. The possession fic is seriously disturbing. I love you.

I am trying to find weird drabbles I have written now. I know they are somewhere. All of my most retarded drabbles depend on stupid in jokes though.

girl on girl akihabara@deep showering.

happy feet drabble. yes about penguins.

prince of tennis amputation drabble.

prince of tennis drabble; necrophiliac sequel.

this question and answer drabble meme i did where sam kept asking stupid disturbing questions to be a brat.

a nana drabble i am including because i really want you to watch nana.

[altricial.livejournal.com]

RSDTHDTHDJTDFJYF THE LIFT. HOW AWESOME.

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

I think it was even more ridiculous because we kept saying "hello? hello? hello?" like not only was I having a conversation with my lift, it wasn't even a coherent one.

[molt]

The other day I was on Skype with like five people, and by this point we weren't really talking, just occasionally mumbling things, and suddenly I heard someone go "Hello..." and I freaked out. I told the people I was talking to, and one of them said it might be a ghost. I thought it was a pretty ridiculous idea, but I still looked behind me, just to check...I'm really gullible.

I probably have embarrassing poetry somewhere. Probably from this year, lol.

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

I'm not really gullible about that kind of thing but I'm just seriously jumpy, it is so easy to give me this huge shock. The other day I was waiting for my friend outside her work and when she walked outside and said hello I jumped like a foot even though I was waiting for her. So I guess I don't need there to be ghosts to freak out. The whole elevator conversation felt like some weird hallucination though, like I was in one of those drug haze movies and tripping out.

I have more, a lot more, that I hope will never see the light of day.

[one-if-by-land.livejournal.com]

cathy told me yesterday how hyd is apparently the new "it" in china, and I was like, "...? but didn't it air two years ago? oh, well, I guess hyd2 aired a couple months ago for the winter season in japan."

and then we both sat awkwardly in silence while I hated myself a little.

all the songs from one litre of tears make me cry. :( ryo apparently sang konayuki at a concert as;dfkj I want the rip so badly. I don't want to grow any older, what if I never mature. ;_;

[attics.livejournal.com]

That song is like a cue for depression. I love Ryo's performance :( although the female or possibly Junior vocals at the start are a little creepy.

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

They are the saddest songs in the world. giantessmess was like, is this making you angsty? I said no but I was lying.

Apparently his brothers sang it at his sister's wedding or something, too, and Ryo was torn between being touched and embarrassed.

[storyteller.livejournal.com]

k;skld all of my poetry is still embarrassing, but hey, I enjoy writing it (and that's what counts!), but a month or two ago, my sister found a notebook of mine from when I was fourteen and living the ~goth~ lifestyle (thus, most of my poetry was about mutilation, babies eating their way out of their mothers, cannibalism, apocalypse &etc) and she read it at poetry night at the local coffee house, hoping to impress the boy she was with.

I was so mortified. I just. In Public. Can't even imagine the reaction of the other people. Unless they were all scenesters or emo-things. idk.

Growing up is so hard. I think these years in between "Real" adults and ... I guess "students" are pretty awkward. Not that there are years in life where things aren't awkward. Just, you're supposed to have your Plan realized by now, and I still feel like I'm in the center of a spider's web and each strand looks equally unappealing since eventually I'm going to get stuck and eaten by a spider so why don't I stay here in the center. Maybe, by some miracle someone will come to save me if I stay there, like a bird or something. Of course then, why couldn't they save me if I start moving down a path? But then it's the same conundrum -- which path? You lose certain opportunities if you choose. If you stay still, there are still those infinite possibilities. Kind of like having a million dollars and once you start spending, your funds decrease for each thing you buy, so you'd want to be really careful and make sure you get things that are worth the money, worth more than the money you're losing. But if you just keep the money and do nothing, you can dream and dream of all the beautiful things you could have.

OKAY, sorry for that, I'm partially drugged up on cold meds, but mostly just rambling about my own insecurities, sorry for the selfishness, I think I was trying to be empathetic or something.... :((

P.S. your elevator story is really, really cool. :)

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

ASFDLSKFH:LDKGS:LFKH:LDKSF THAT IS HILARIOUS

Last year I went to open mic night at The Arthouse and there was this girl there reading her poetry that was all about dragon's teeth ripping her apart and waiting for the train. It was possibly the worst poetry I have ever heard. My best friend kept slowly turning and looking at me and I found it really hard not to laugh. We were sitting in the front row. LIFE.

I have no fucking clue what my Plan is. Whenever I think about it I feel cold and bored. For me it's not even about worrying about losing certain opportunities by choosing, it's that none of the destinations are particularly appealing to me. I feel like I'll just be sitting at a bus stop at the cross roads forever and not getting on any of the buses that pass because I can't be bothered getting up and buying a ticket.

You were being empathetic :( Are you feeling better?

[attics.livejournal.com]

I've been marathon watching the early seasons of the X Files and my first reaction was to laugh at the special effects but now I'm suddenly freaked out by everything. Strange noises outside my window. I think if an elevator started talking to me I could genuinely have a panic attack.

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

I had this moment where I wondered if I was having a pharmaceutically induced psychotic episode. "It's been a long time coming," I thought.

Certain episodes of the X Files are seriously terrifying. When I was a kid I was completely terrified of that guy that can stretch and eats livers and stuff SO SCARY.

[pornography.livejournal.com]

IT IS LIKE YOU'RE ADDISON.

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

I looked her up on Wikipedia to try and understand this comparison but still don't really get it. I am a hardened adulterous career woman who can split blood cells and bond with patients?

[yamapea.livejournal.com]

HEY I HAD NO IDEA YOU WENT TO GREECE. Where did you go! How long were you there for?! I actually think the poetry is pretty. :(

The elevator story s;alkdjfajf amazing. *_*

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

When I was eighteen I went to Greece for two weeks and then Italy for two weeks. In Greece it was winter so we mostly stayed on the mainland and went to archaelogical sites because I was all into Classical Greece then. Off the top of my head we went to (forgive spellings) Athens, Napflio (?) Sparta, Olympia, Mycenae, Delphi, Thebes (I think), Thessaloniki (maybe), Diacofto... Argos maybe? We went a lot of places in a very short time. Delphi was my favourite, so beautiful. In Italy we went to Verona, Venice, Florence, Rome. Venice is like my favourite place in the entire world. It was freezing and the whole city had been flooded a couple days before we got there, but it felt so magical alskdj. I didn't expect to be as enchanted as I was. Plus the Peggy Guggenheim private collection is there. Oh my god.

[less.livejournal.com]

♥ ohfitz. :(((


i thought you were like. 24. i'm not sure how that's supposed to make you feel better. :( ♥ butyeah.

[soundczech.livejournal.com]

It's okay, other people online thought I was like 30 or 40, so I'm kind of happy with 24. The difference between 22 and 24 is negligible anyway. ♥